Rochester Kink Society

Stepping OUT

Unmasking BDSM (Episode One)

If you are old enough to remember the old television program, Batman, starring Adam West that aired during the late 1960's, you'll know that the show always ran in double episodes. In the first episode, the plot would take shape, Batman and Robin would identify the villain (ie. The Penguin, The Riddler, or possibly Catwoman, in her kinky skin tight leather outfit), then the Dynamic Duo would enter his or her evil lair, it would always be a trap (they never learned), and by the end of episode 1, Batman, and usually Robin too, would be in some kind of precarious predicament involving ropes, chains, scalding vats of liquid and/or saw blades. Thinking back I realize that this was probably my introduction into the excitement of bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism (BDSM), and to be honest, it was kind of hot. The producers would sadistically leave you hanging for 24 hours, until Episode 2, which always brought a great fight scene, with a "POW!" and a "BAM!" and a "ZONK!" And the Dynamic Duo would once again save the day.

Last month I visited the Rochester Kink Society and I learned so much about the BDSM community that I found I could not do justice to the subject in one small article. So, in the grand tradition of the Batman TV series cliff-hanger, this article will be presented to you in two parts. And yes, I most definitely will leave you hanging on the edge of your seat, waiting desperately for the thrilling conclusion. Only you will have to wait not a single day, but an entire month! Ha! Ha! Ha! (Evil laugh)

This episode begins about 2 years ago, when I was invited by a Gay Alliance Speakers Bureau member, to visit the Rochester Kink Society (RKS). I hesitated for three reasons. First of all, the purpose of my "Stepping OUT" project is to visit and learn about LGBT community groups. RKS, although extremely welcoming, is not an LGBT organization. Second, I did not want people reading my article to associate "kink" exclusively with "gay." The third reason I hesitated was that I was nervous! Whips and chains?!! Suspension and hot wax?!! Kinky Knitting Night?!! Really? Ok, admittedly, that one didn't sound so bad.

Over the past few years, however, as I visited other groups that were not specifically LGBT (for example, Rated F, the new feminist group) and as I learned more about the realities of BDSM, I realized that it really does resonate with the work that we do at the Gay Alliance. BDSM and kink are about freedom, love, and the right to express ourselves. Many of the community members are closeted, due to other people's ignorance and discrimination, and, as it turns out, it's not just a bedroom issue. Sound familiar? These new revelations left me with only one excuse, I was nervous. Clearly it was time to get past that. Hadn't I just played nude volleyball with the Rochester ROMANS? What was I afraid of? I wrote an e-mail to RKS proposing a visit and I boldly hit the "send" button. (Oh ok, I admit it, first I made sure that my wild and crazy friend, Pam, would go with me. The new Dynamic Duo?)

The response I got from Kat, Chairperson and Event Coordinator at RKS, was positive. First some of the RKS board members wanted to meet Pam and me at one of their social events. This is the first step to becoming a member. RKS gets to meet you, they make sure that you understand what the group is all about and they get a chance to explain their rules and policy of confidentiality. It also gives the potential member a chance to ask questions in a very comfortable environment and make sure that RKS is what they are looking for.

Pam and I chose to attend a "social," which is in the evening at a local pub, rather than a "munch," which is lunch at a local diner, only because I was pretty sure I was going to need to have a drink in my hand. As it turned out, the situation was relaxed and comfortable and the beer was unnecessary. Todd, the RKS Vice Chairperson, welcomed us, chatted with us about the group and introduced us to some of the members. He clearly adores this group and he talked about the members as if they were family. There were about 30 people at the social that evening. It was a mix of men and women chatting, eating and laughing. Dress was casual, mostly jeans and sweatshirts. Truly, the only way to describe it was "normal."

Todd told us that there are about 110 members of RKS. Approximately 30 are members of their subgroup, The Next Generation (TNG), which is a group for people ages 18-35. I asked Todd about the ratio of straight people to LGBT people at RKS. He said he believes members are about 5% lesbian and gay and about 5% transgender, but the number of women who identify as bisexual in this group is about 80%! I asked how open the group would be to a guy on guy "scene" (the word used for a BDSM setting and activity) and the response was positive. RKS is an open and welcoming group.

Todd told us when we left that Pam and I should look at the RKS calendar and e-mail him with an event that we would like to attend. Pam and I chose the Skin2Skin & Paw2Paw workshop, followed by a "Play Party" in the dungeon. The workshop was about techniques for bare-hand S/M play presented by a well known dominant or "Dom" in the BDSM community, Panther, who was being flown in from the San Francisco area just for the event.

A few days before our RKS visit, Laura McSpadden, Gay Alliance Office Administrator, led an InQueery class called "BDSM: A Guide for Lay people, Well-wishers, and Newbies," which examined the most common myths about BDSM and kink. Pam and I attended, hoping the presentation would help us avoid any unnecessary kink faux pas.

The presentation was excellent and informative. (Note: This presentation will be repeated. Watch for it on the InQueery schedule.) I learned, among other things, that most activities relating to BDSM were considered pathological until 1994, when they were removed from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). The behaviors now must "cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning," in order for it to be considered an illness. Consensual BDSM activities that are pleasurable to all parties involved, are now considered healthy sexual behavior.

I also learned that accessing medical care can often be an issue for people who practice BDSM. Because of requirements and reporting policies that medical personnel must follow regarding bruises and wounds on patients, people practicing BDSM may choose not to seek medical attention for themselves when they need help for other, unrelated issues. This unfortunate situation reminded me of the experiences of many transgender individuals, who have avoided seeking medical help due to discrimination and a lack of education among medical professionals.

Finally, we talked about how some people only participate in BDSM behaviors as a kind of sexual role play, and how others take on this lifestyle 24/7, as an ongoing master/slave type relationship. This brought up some male/female power issues for me and gave me a chance to voice some of my own personal concerns about the way that submissive women are treated in BDSM relationships. The feminist in me had trouble holding her tongue, she always does, and I ranted a bit about my assumption that there are many more submissive females than males and about how I found some of the behaviors degrading to women, etc. etc. Turns out there are, in fact, more men submissives than women. I learned that at the core of BDSM is trust, fulfillment, love and the giving of oneself. The gift of submission to a partner is that much more valuable when the submissive is a strong, self-confident and powerful person.

Kim, a submissive woman who is a member of RKS, explained her joy at giving up power and control in this way. She said, "I used to be with a man who was a terrible driver. I refused to give him control of the car because I didn't trust him. Now I am with a man who loves motorcycles. I sit on the back and I trust him to control the vehicle and keep me safe. People keep asking me why I don't get my license and learn to drive the motorcycle myself. I don't want to. I love giving up the control to him. I get to sit back and enjoy the ride." Dominants must be knowledgeable, skilled and very in tune with their partners or else they will lose the trust that has been given to them. The submissive is actually the one who has the most power in the relationship as he/she/ze decides where the boundaries will be set.

The night of the workshop and play party, Pam picked me up at my house around 5:45pm and drove us to the secret location, which had been entrusted to us after the social. We found it easily and sat for a moment in the parking lot trying to prepare ourselves for what lay ahead. With a deep breath, we stepped out of the car and walked slowly toward the dungeon. We approached the door to the building and rang the bell. A man welcomed us, showed us in (no secret handshake necessary), led us downstairs and opened up the door to the dungeon. "Holy Bustiers, Pam," I exclaimed! "I can't believe my eyes!"

"Flying Floggers, Jeanne! Are those people really sinking their teeth into…"

Will this be the end of our Dynamic Duo? Will they be tied to tables while saws spin rapidly toward their heads? Will they be suspended upside down while hot wax is dripped on their feet?!!! Will they be gagged and forced to create kinky knitting projects?!!! Tune in next month! Same Bat-Time. Same Bat-Channel…

Stepping OUT

Unmasking BDSM (Episode Two)

Last month, we left our Dynamic Duo, Jeanne and Pam, just entering the dungeon at the Rochester Kink Society (RKS). They were about to attend a bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism (BDSM) workshop called Skin2Skin & Paw2Paw, being presented by the famous Dom, Panther, followed by a "Play Party."

"Holy Bustiers, Pam," I exclaimed! "I can't believe my eyes!"

"Flying Floggers, Jeanne! Are those people really sinking their teeth into… cupcakes?!!!"

Fully prepared for a Batman-esque scene, with a "POW!" and a "BAM!" and a "ZONK!" Pam and I were shocked to find the room full of people chatting, drinking coffee, and eating cupcakes. Batman and Robin never got this treatment when they entered an evil lair! This part I probably could have handled without Pam.

We signed in at the check in desk and then Todd came over to welcome us and to give us a tour (i.e., "Chain hoist over here, cage over there, fridge with spring water, St. Andrew's Cross, locker for play party clothes, padded bondage table, and bathrooms down the hall"). After looking around a bit, Pam and I took a seat with the others. The workshop started at about 7pm. There were 50 people present.

Panther, a well known Dom and BDSM educator, had been flown in from the San Francisco area to teach us about techniques for bare-hand S/m play. In the first part of the workshop, Panther and his volunteer assistant focused on slapping, kicking, punching, pinching, poking, hair pulling (you get the idea), as well as basic anatomy and areas of the human body that are dangerous and should be avoided to prevent injury. Panther talked about safe words and signals that everyone should know and use if they are in a dangerous situation.

After about an hour we took a break and Pam and I had a few minutes to share some thoughts with each other. We had a very similar reaction to what we had just heard. Basically we were both surprised at how relatively gentle it was. Panther talked about how the idea of being slapped or grabbed is often what is erotic, not necessarily the pain. A little goes a long way. The caring, loving aspect of BDSM was reinforced for me repeatedly at this workshop.

The second half of the workshop focused on nibbling, licking and biting. Panther donned his custom made prosthetic vampire teeth and nibbled and bit his capable assistant while she giggled uncontrollably. This really wasn't at all what I expected, and quite honestly, Pam and I agreed, it made us feel way kinkier than we originally thought we were.

After the workshop, Panther displayed some of his handmade floggers and Pam and I got to hear some funny stories from members about saving money on sex toys by shopping at Home Depot for objects like clamps, rope, and tubing. One man said, "Three strikes and they're out. The Home Depot employees asks me what I need the object for the first time, I tell them something vague. They ask again, I make up something more detailed about some project I'm working on. They ask me a third time, they get the truth." He laughs. "Usually, they think I'm joking."

Hardware and everyday household objects are used in BDSM play quite often. They are referred to as "pervertibles." LOL. Michael's craft store offers some necessary items for Todd and his partner too. He told me that scented waxes and waxes that are darker in color tend to burn hotter. His partner prefers a wax that burns cooler. It feels better to her. Hot, but not too hot. Not only was I touched by the care and concern that Todd had for his partner's pleasure, but I was deeply impressed that he would shop at Michael's for her!

Pam and I left for some dinner and came back to the dungeon around 10:30pm for the play party. Surprisingly, I was less nervous entering the dungeon for the play party than I had been at any of the other events. Everyone was so comfortable with us being there and learning about RKS. I didn't know what exactly I was about to see, but I was no longer scared.

We entered the dungeon and found about 70 people at play. The environment was much brighter and more casual than I expected. The age range at the party looked to be about 18-70. Some people were using equipment and involved in scenes and others were drinking coffee and chatting on the couches off to the side. Some people were nude, some were dressed in elaborate outfits (ex. bustiers and heels) and others were in street clothes. What it reminded me of most was a fitness club. Wait your turn, use the equipment, moan or grunt if you need to, wipe everything down when you're done, have some water and replenish.

Pam and I found an empty seat in order to observe the party. We were not the only ones watching. No play is ever necessary at the dungeon. Some people just come to enjoy the scenes. Some of the scenes we saw were:

A woman, wearing pants and a sports bra, was chained with her front to the wall while another woman tickled her gently with a feathery object. She was quiet.

A woman was chained naked, except for heels, to a post while a man and a woman ran electrical wands up and down her body. She was squealing (in a good way, I'm pretty sure).

A naked man was chained to a post and being flogged by a woman. He was quiet.

Two other scenes involved naked women lying on tables being flogged by men. They were grunting.

One nude woman was slowly being suspended by a man who was using shibari, an elaborate type of Japanese rope work. After she was suspended, he applied clothes pins to her inner thigh. She was giggling and cooing, and she looked like she was having a blast.

At about 11:30pm we said our "goodbyes" and our "thank yous," and we left. On our way out we laughed over a sign on the door that read, "This is your dungeon. Keep it clean."

A big thank you goes out to the Rochester Kink Society. Thank you for teaching me so much about BDSM and for allowing me into your relatively secret world. I am grateful for your trust.

Calendar of events, photo gallery of the dungeon and frequently asked questions are all on the RKS website. Call (585-234-5295) or e-mail (rks@RochesterKinkSociety.com) RKS or contact me at the Gay Alliance (JeanneG@gayalliance.org) if you would like more information about this group.